Email to friendmy daughters father left 4yrs (shes 10) he lived with us until she was 4 then we had a terrible two years in and out of court then he didnt show up for court one day & disapearred. the only time we hear anything is when he sends a birthday card every year, i havnt given these to her because its xmas & believed she was too young to deal with it. but lately she has become more & more intrested in wanting to meet him and gets quite upset about it.
i want to protect her but also understand more than anyone how she is feeling. the not knowing & the little fairytale that you create in your head and to make it worse she is going through puberty.
our relationship was abusive & he is a very manipulating controlling person and he has told her some awful stories done things around her to make out i was being horrible to him etc
i have discussed this with my family & they have mixed views so im even more confused what to do.
but they all agree that when the novelty wears off he will get tired of her & go off & live his life again. part of me does still believe he is not a good influence in her life however the other part of me knows she does have the right to know her father. i have pictures that i was going to show her i think this is the right thing to do. i have told her that when she is a little bit older she wil be more ready to look for him & i will help her. the truth is i could speak to him tomoro if i wanted. he also lives in the same area & i have bumped into his family a few times ove r the years but they never wanted anything got to do with her either,he even stopped them from seeing her for 2yrs. im upset for her & confused what to do for the best.
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thank you emily for your
thank you emily for your advice it has help a lot. it has made me see things much clearer and i needed someone to look at things from the outside.And i Never realized just how much i "didnt" speak about her dad ( i would have chats with her when she would ask ) but not as in every day conversations.to be honest i think i was afraid & i had so much i wanted to forget & try make life better thats how i dealt with it. however i have now given my daughter a photo and she was delighted, i have started to speak more & more about him. i havnt given the cards yet but i do plan to i just dont want to do everything at once. i do agree with what you say about being happy that he was thinkin about her.i also have decided i will contact him and try speak to him about seeing her & building a relationship up- at least now she is at an age she can understand things like if he doesnt show up etc..(not like 4or 5 yr old). and my daughter will know that i am not against her dad.
i know i have a very tough road ahead but i know its for the best.
i really want to thank you soooooo much for your advice & appreciate it so much
x
Hello, I can understand why
Hello, I can understand why you're upset and also why you're feeling confused about what to do, your ex's previous behaviour towards you makes it all alot harder. But, and it's a big but - your daughter needs to at least know about her dad and also know that he has ben thinking of her sending her birthday cards. As she's now asking about him and upset about it perhaps it's now time to show her pictures and tell her about him. If oyu still ahve the cards he has sent then I think you should give these to her now as, from what I hear from other children, it means a greta deal to knwo that their absent parent does indeed remember them and think about them. You'll have to explain why you've not handed them over before, perhaps you'll have to explain that you were worried about upsetting her but that you know now is the time to talk about him and tell her all you know? I can understand your worries about making contact and then him leaving your daughter again... but you'll never know if that will happen until you're in the situation? I still think that we are half of each of our parents and even their bad behaviour can teach us how we want to be when we grow up. I think that whatever sort of a role model he might be, that there will be some good bits about him (there must be you used to be together) and he has been sending cards which is a good role model thing. Try and think about the good parts of him and tell your daughter about those as well as the parts of him that mean he's absent and why you split up (assuming all this sort of conversation can be had with your daughter, tailor it to her and her age)..
I'm not sure if you could do this or not, but how about contacitng your ex and saying that you'd like him to get to know his daughter on the understanding that you talk about it beofre and agree the terms under which it can happen - have a look int he co-parenting section on the website and the code of conduct that you and your ex should agree beofre contact, and then the co-parenting form which will help you both to agree how contactis oging to be done etc. And then when it's been discussed in a grown-up, non-emotional way (or as unemotional as possible) start contact going. Don't forget contact centres (link on this site) or having another adult around if you don't want to be on your own with him etc..
I completely understand your concerns and that you're trying desperately to protect her from an unhealthy relationship with her dad, if you can talk to her and show her the cards and pictures and talk about him that will help her. Then if you and your ex can agree how to make contact work for her then you will have doen your best to make their relationship work. if you can't agree then perhaps contact can't work, but do your best. I wish you lots of luck Emily