Kate & Emily

Hello

Lovely to hear from you again.  Well here I go with my another installment of what I would do if I were you . Please accept this just as some thougts based on what you have told me , I do have an active imagination and read alot so in my mind I know how I would see this panning out . 

You have tried Exeter  and the SW coast ,  well done but in the end too much , doing up a house and a bit lonley .

Back in the Cotswolds quite a nice time ?? friends near by referred to in the origonal email and maybe the whiff of a few more ??

I think you know in your heart of hearts what you want to do and what is right for you and your daughter and that is to move back nearer to your parents. It will be soon time to be thinking about pre school and indeed primary school and I would find somewhere to live , convenient to your parents - not on top but near enough to be around  for all the reasons stated before ( nothing is like grandparents for childcare ).

I would go back and pack up your things in the S West say goodbye put the house on the market  and then say a brand new hello to a new phase , incorporating your bereavement yes , but a new chapter for you and your daughter. I don't think it is running away , I would have done that at the outset . You have taken a sensible length of time to remain in the place you chose with your husband you have tried , but it is  hard without a support network  and after 2 and a half years you are changing course , that is not giving up. It is totally understandable

If you really don't want to back and sort everyhting out from the Cotswolds then do that  .You don't have to do anything that you don't want to , but you will certainly feel better and more settled the minute you make a decision

As far as dating and new people go , I think this will be easier in a new space and phase , but still do remember to go gently and slowly and as much as possible let things evolve . Here is a link to something we spouted on the subject , sounds a bit bonkers now I listen to it  again but some nuggets may ring true. By the way bad back - Pilates we swear by it for ours !

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XYoRH2sP4Co

Kate

Dear Kate

I've just reread by post and your wonderful reply, both of which are almost two years old now. I wanted to update up and ask for a little more advice. What you wrote before was, in hindsight, spot on. Obviously I didn't take it though!

I stayed in Exeter and moved out to Teignmouth last year to a bigger house with a garden for my daughter. Trying to renovate this house, work part-time, looking after her single-handedly took a toll in terms of my back and my mood (sad and lonely since my husband died despite a social offensive!). I applied for - and got - a career break for a year which I've just started. Financially I will have to go back to work and I'm starting to realise it will always be a lonely juggle in Devon. Moreover, although I've made friends, it doesn't replace family in terms of childcare.

I've spent the last six weeks at my parents in the Cotswolds (quite harmoniously) and feel it may now be time to move up nearer them for my daughter and for me. I've been going to a toddler group up here and there are a couple of people I could cultivate to start a bit of a social life.

Questions:
1)Do I go back down to Devon to check my feelings don't change and say goodbye to people? I'm supposed to go back this weekend and I dread it and the upheaval for my daughter who has just got used for having grandparents around and would go back to a house with just me and nursery two mornings a week. Or do I just save myself the hardship and her the upheaval and stay here? I could organise the sale and pack up in Teignmouth with a few 1 or 2 day trips
2) Does moving up sound like a sensible thing to do or am I just running away? In my head I can just see that childcare will only get trickier when she starts school but life as a lone parent is tricky full stop.
3) My husband asked me to 'follow my good heart and live life to the full'. How do I do this? My main aspiration is just to make life a bit easier. Two and a half years on I'd love another relationship. I've met up with a few people internet dating but nothing gels. How do I do it? I seem to have lost my touch.

Sorry: questions, questions! Any thoughts/insights would be much appreciated.

Dear Kate

Thank you so much for your long and considered response which gives me lots of things to think about. I have printed off to mull through when I've had so more sleep (lovely baby currently very nocturnal). Thank you so much, it's really useful. Asyou say now is a bit early for anything - I'm jut hanging on, but when I have a clearer head I can go through. I'll let you know what's happened in a few months time.

Ashlyn

Hi
I feel wholly inadequate to give you any advice at all, I have little experience of bereavement but I do know that this does make your situation and journey very different from all other single parents. However not deterred for one minute by this rather major detail I shall respond not as person replying with some smidge of ‘expertise’ but say as a good friend (just one who doesn’t know you yet!)

As far as the crux of your location location problem.
As I see it the options are
a) London , expensive , not near the sea or the SW , friends yes but single. London is a fantastic place keep it as a place to visit your friends and have some fun for YOU say twice a year come to London stay with friends take in galleries, exhibitions , food , clubs whatever , do make yourself keep in touch with old good friends .
b) Cotswolds , very pretty and near your parents . Do go easy on your parents, we have found that when things don’t go to plan for their children many parents revert to treating their grown up offspring as pretty useless teenagers. Maybe they are being over protective, all of a sudden they feel needed again and go into time warp parent/child mode. After maybe a little chat they will get better as time passes and they will give you space and let you make your own decisions as you get stronger. Hopefully they are great Grandparents and can have your child when he is a little bit older to stay whilst you covort up to London re point a) to give you some breathing space. However re living in the Cotswolds probably not just near enough to accept help from your parents.
c) Exeter is a nice city and urban is good for meeting new people, it is in the South West and you have a job there all good stuff. It is also the place you chose with your husband and moved there together, but it must be very lonely and you probably don’t have the energy or the inclination to throw yourself into the social scene.
d) Somewhere else say Oxford/shire. Oxford is near the Cotswolds re point b) is a good train /coach line to London re point a) and near some friends it is urban though not far from the countryside ,sort of in the south west though it does have to be said it as far away from the sea as it is possible to get in England!

I am sure if you think about all of these things and in the back of your mind know that at some point in the future you will want to have a job, a social life, a school for your child, a nice place for your child to grow up, some loving childcare nearby, and a vibe that suits you be town city or countryside. This is a big decision to make and it really depends what you feel is right for you and where you feel that you can tick these boxes and indeed when you feel able to tick or cross the boxes.

Emily and I are very different , she is in the stay put don’t move camp and I would jump ship, leave Exeter scuttle back home let my parents look after me , go for long walks and hatch a plan for my next move from there. I would not hang around in the Cotswolds but would aim to work towards a new beginning in September. September always feels like a time for change to me. As you don’t appear to have been able to put roots down in Exeter, the upheaval might not be as massive as you might think. It will take a while to deal with your grief and I just feel that it could all be a bit much and not a great time to start to make friends who you so clearly need so now might be the time to make the most of your old friends.

I am going to bat on with phase two of my thoughts which may seem horrendous to you now, but which may help you decide where you would like to set down some roots in the future.

The one topic that comes up time and time again is that people find it hard to make new friends. I think we forget that it takes ages to make new friends and we give up quite quickly and also that there are loads of perfectly nice people that we just don’t REALLY hit it off with so there is a bit of a luck element to it all. Why not try to find other people in a similar situation for you the mother , for your child and for you the grieveing woman . I am not sure if one group fits all so maybe you need to do somethings for you and some for your baby.
Do try and get to meet other new mums , these can be great basis for friendships and also good for your child. 50 % of the people may not be your type , 25% may drive you round the twist but if you meet one or two kindreds and that will be worth it
So write a list of all the types of things you could do in this vein and try a few out.
I don’t know if post natal NCT groups are your type of thing
I don’t know if baby music is your type of thing , its not many people idea of fun but that is where I met Emily.
Reading baby books at the library
Tumble tots
Playgroups
Baby massage
My wise sister with the four children made me do all of this stuff which I poo pooed and liked some of them hated others.

Social Networking for you
I am going to be really honest with you here. Although we are delighted that you have found us, I would be careful about mingling with new single parents who have become such as a result of a failed relationship. We have found the issues are really quite different, you may feel zippo empathy for someone picking over a failed relationship and who is dealing with an anger that you may not identify with or even understand and want to scream at least your childs father is alive. Although that said socially they could be just what you need, just be careful, I wonder if you found us because you find it easier just to think of yourself as a single parent than as a widow and that a single parent group might leave your bereavement alone. Yes they probably would do as they are in a different situation so on the one hand that might be nice or else you might find their issues to different to be around , do just be aware of that .

The next gang we would have a look into and might be able to provide you with a network are The Way (widowed and young)Foundation www.thewayfoundation.org.uk or else we have been told that something with a similar vibe to Kate and Emily but for the bereaved is the Merry Widow www.merrywidow.me.uk , we pass these on as sites and orgainisations that have been recommended to us but that we have not used.

You sound very brave your situation is very sad and to be frank shite and whilst there is no magic wnad that can make it better this is early days. You do need to let yourself go through the process of bereavement which by all account takes time and maybe being in contact with other people going through the same process might help. Don’t forget to be kind to yourself, look after yourself , give yourself time and space and breaks and I think you need to factor that into the equation definitely in the short term but also the medium term as well when making your decision as to where to live .

Thanks so much for writing to us , I feel that I have rambled a load of irrelevant stuff and made you even more unsure as to what to do , but hopefully you can pick your way through it, get an idea and trust your own instinct

All the very best and I would love to know how you get along

Kate