Kate & Emily

The funny thing about family meetings is that although they sound ghastly they really can get the gang communicating better, improve talking and listening , help problem solve and more. So surely it has to be worth a go?

It may seem odd to apply a communication idea more closely associated with the boardroom, but there is no reason why families shouldn’t have meetings too. The very concept of a meeting smacks of the work place and although such comparisons feel inappropriate any team will work better if they have effective ways of communicating, rewards and consequences, goals and so on.

You take on new children, but you also take on an ex-spouse. How have others managed these grown-up relationships? Read on….

‘When you marry a man who has been married before – and there’s children involved from that marriage, his first wife’s never going to go away. I reconciled myself to that fact very early on in our relationship. One of the most difficult areas to navigate with regards to divorce has got to be the social fall-out that happens afterwards. We do still see some people who are friends with his ex-wife too. Then there are certain boundaries that need to be built and which you don’t go beyond. I’ll only talk about things that his ex knows about – I don’t want them to feel compromised next time they’re with her.’

It’s common knowledge that becoming a stepparent can be tricky. Part of this must be unrealistic expectations. Even the name step PARENT comes with connotations of closeness and love for your stepchildren that may pass you by completely. It’s not hard to imagine the massive irritation caused by the sprogs playing up, ruin your evening with your hero or heroine, making numerous irritating demands on your lovely lady / man, or even by them getting up at 6am and ruining any early morning love-in!

However, I speak from a complete lack of experience in this area. I can only assume that it feels something like it did when you get married and a whole raft of in-laws arrive, and you become a family member, without feeling like it’s your family at all. It’s a closeness that feels very unnatural to start with as there’s no history of growing up together, no comfort in knowing that you can say or do what the hell you like and they’ll still think the sun shines out of your bottom! It must be odd for the in-laws too as having a new family member means they have to juggle things around, treat you as they do the rest but without really knowing you. It’s time that builds the bond between you and your in-laws. I didn’t rush that relationship thinking that we had to love each other madly otherwise we weren’t a functioning family, being friends was enough. In fact it’s more than enough and in time it became real affection. I suppose that’s the approach I’ll take to either introducing a step-father or becoming a step-mother: chill, enjoy friendship and don’t expect to become a mother or father (just as you don’t expect to become a real daughter or sister to your in-laws). This sounds all terribly wise and sensible – I clearly can’t take full credit for this advice… I’ve been reading and listening to step-parents who’ve actually done it and it’s pretty much the advice they pass on.